I can almost recall the day vividly. It was summer and I was about 8 years old. I remember having this sense that I knew something wasn’t right and that an adult in my life was lying, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It wasn’t something I could see, taste or touch. Just this inner pull towards an idea that, well to be honest, I couldn’t prove, unless the person outwardly admitted it. It was the first time I can remember struggling with my intuition.
I didn’t know what it was at the time. I just knew that something in me wouldn’t let this idea go. I tried to ignore it. I tried to believe it wasn’t true, but there was still always the voice inside me that whispered I was right. Until one day, the truth came out, and low and behold, I found out that the person I thought was lying, was in fact, lying.
It was bittersweet. I can recall feeling hurt because I was lied to. I felt betrayed by this person. On the flip side I was happy as well, because it meant I wasn’t crazy. There is nothing like the feeling of convincing yourself that you are nuts, denying your truth, and then finding out you were right.
We all have lessons to learn in life, and I believe that situations will re-occur until we learn that lesson. Learning to trust my intuition and to “have my own back” is definitely one of my life lessons. And I can’t say enough about how many more things happened in my life to teach me this.
Fast forward thirty years, I found myself in almost the exact same situation as when I was 8 years old. My gut was telling me that someone was lying about something that I felt was true. I had no proof. Other than this feeling deep within that kept nudging at me, even waking me at night. The more I tried to ignore it, the stronger the feeling got. It didn’t help that there was a part of me that didn’t want to believe I was right. There is nothing trickier than intuitively knowing something, but denying it because you don’t actually want to be right about it. Being right meant I would feel betrayed and hurt. But denying what I knew also felt like betrayal and hurt.
Like all things in life, the truth always comes out. And when the universe one day, nicely handed me this present called the truth, that bittersweet feeling came back. I didn’t realize why I felt so betrayed and hurt, until now. Of course I felt betrayed by the person who lied to me but it’s never about other people. So what was it? I realized I felt even more betrayed because I lied to me. And I can confidently say, that betraying yourself is far more painful.
For those of you who have children, you might be able to relate. Can you recall the look of hurt and upset in your child’s face when you chose not to believe them, and they knew they were telling the truth? Perhaps they pleaded for you to believe them. Or perhaps they sat there quietly, silently hurting. Well, that voice was my inner child. And despite her pleading with me to believe her, I chose to ignore her.
Next time you are feeling betrayed or lied to, ask yourself who is doing the lying? You might find the sense of hurt is coming from you not believing yourself. We all have intuition but we have been taught to not trust it or believe in it. It is a gift. It is our guide. If you are ever in a situation where you need to choose between believing yourself or someone else, picture your inner child’s face. Then smile and trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.